April Fools: Empty Tomb to Replace Jesus Statue After More Setbacks

By Eric Ted Stachu
Staff Writer

The new “Jesus the Teacher” statue has been delayed yet again, and this delay has led to major changes to the project. As reported last fall, the statue was originally scheduled to be unveiled Thursday, Sept. 10, was delayed until Thursday, Nov. 12 and then further delayed to this spring.

It has now been reported that the entire statue has been badly damaged from an electrical fire at the warehouse where it was being housed. The statue has been deemed unfixable and will need to be completely redone.

A rendering of the new plan for the “empty tomb” statue to take the place of the proposed “Jesus the Teacher” statue. Photo courtesy of DeSales University.
A rendering of the new plan for the “empty tomb” statue to take the place of the proposed “Jesus the Teacher” statue.
Photo courtesy of DeSales University.

DeSales officially issued a statement on the university’s decision on March 31, which stated, “The university has decided to abandon its plan to erect a Jesus statue on the campus mall due to an overwhelming amount of delays.” However, the school went on further to explain the new direction the project would be taking.

“The university has not abandoned the project completely and has a plan to replace the previous statue with a full-sized version of the empty tomb Christ once rose from.”

The plan is to create a large, empty tomb in place of the proposed “Jesus the Teacher” statue. The tomb will be a large 50-foot tall cave and will be guarded daily by Roman soldier reenactors.

Many claimed the original project was doomed from the start, having been first delayed when several of the parts of the statue were accidentally shipped to LaSalle University in Philadelphia.

“Fortunately, LaSalle was used to being mistaken for DeSales and contacted us immediately,” said a DeSales employee working on the project.

In addition to shipping the statue to DeSales, LaSalle also sent thousands of dollars in misplaced tuition money, several hundred packages, a dozen students and a communication professor that had been incorrectly sent to the university.

However, others claimed the statue’s decision to not give Jesus a beard also bestowed a bad omen on the project.

“It’s a widely known fact that Jesus had a beard,” said local oblate Rev. Harvey Finnegan, OSFS, who opposed the decision to make Jesus clean shaven. “Besides, beards are currently in style and could have certainly helped the statue connect to Millennials,” added Finnegan, who also stated he pushed for the statue to have a “man bun” as well.

When asked about the new plan to create a replica of the empty tomb, Finnegan said he was pleased with the new direction and was excited to see the hallowed rock structure.

Students were also pleased to hear about the new plan.

“I’m from Philly, where we have a statue dedicated to the fictional character Rocky, so I think it’s only fitting to have another rocky structure at my school,” said one student.

“I think the structure will represent the message DeSales sends its students throughout their four years,” added another student. “If you don’t rise to the occasion and graduate from college, you’re doomed to die alone in a tomb.”

Did we fool you? If you are still unaware, this article is purely fictional and was written to for our annual April Fools issue. Post a status or tweet @TheMinstrelDSU and tell us which April Fools article is your favorite!

This purely fictional article was originally published in Issue 12, Fiftieth Year of The Minstrel (April 1, 2016). Click here to view the entire April Fools issue.


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