By Turf Ferguson
DeSales prepares for Impending Turf War with Contractor
The DeSales athletic department recently announced that the newly installed turf fields will be removed immediately due to a sinkhole that has developed underneath both fields.
The sinkhole is said to be a result of the rubber cement used for the foundation of the fields. Turf Luck, the company responsible for installing the two turf fields last fall, is denying any wrongdoing. In a Turf Luck press release, the company claims “the rubber cement used as the base for the fields is the same rubber cement used to create the miniature models of the fields that were approved by DeSales during the design phase.”
DeSales issued its own statement claiming that the university merely intended to approve the designs, not the materials used to create the models.
“There seems to be some confusion surrounding the phrase ‘We want it built exactly like that only bigger,’” said a Turf Luck official when fielding questions from the media.
“This case is far from over,” added Bob Loblaw, a top defense attorney recently hired to defend DeSales. “We’re going to take them to court and we hope to reach not just a settlement, but common ground in this ordeal.”
The issue has been widely debated in the media with reporters discussing an impending “turf war,” which will require grass roots support from the DeSales community.
In the meantime, all games scheduled on the turf have been moved to other venues. All home games for the lacrosse team will be moved to their opponents’ fields. Despite this, Coach Matt Brancaccio plans to have his team practice in the sinkhole and his players will be required to run sprints up and down the hole every Sunday during what he calls the “Sunday Sinkhole Sprint.”
In addition, the university has announced plans to build a student lake in place of the fields. The lake, to be named Lake O’Connor, will be used for boating and swimming during the four weeks in the spring when the weather is above 40 degrees. During the rest of the frigid, freezing months, students can resort to ice skating, bobsledding, ice fishing and building igloos to stay warm.
Did we fool you? If you are still unaware, this article is purely fictional and was written to for our annual April Fools issue. Post a status or tweet @TheMinstrelDSU and tell us which April Fools article is your favorite!
This purely fictional article was originally published in Issue 12, Fiftieth Year of The Minstrel (April 1, 2016). Click here to view the entire April Fools issue.